Have you ever spent considerable time and effort, picking out The. Perfect. Gift. for your partner, only to have him shrug it off as if it were no big deal? Or, maybe you worked all day, cleaning the house for your love, just to realize that she barely noticed it when she came home?
Yes, it’s possible that your significant other is just a self-centered narcissist who refuses to give you credit for anything, (in which case, you need a therapy appointment right now!). But, more than likely, the two of you are just speaking different languages. Love languages, that is.
Counselor, Gary Chapman, is the author of a ground-breaking book called, “The Five Love Languages,” where he describes the various ways that we show love for each other. We all have unique ways of giving and receiving love, and our primary way of showing or feeling love is what is called our “love language.”
Thus, what makes one person feel loved and cared about might not do anything to spark the warm and fuzzies in another. This is why sometimes you might feel like you do SO MUCH for your partner while they complain that you aren’t doing a thing.
Learning how to speak your partner’s love language (and vice versa) will do wonders for increasing the love, romance, and positivity in your relationship.
As the title implies, Dr. Chapman found 5 common love languages that most people speak. In this post, you will learn what each language is, examples of what it looks like, and identify which language is most important to you. Prepare to be schooled!
1. Words Of Affirmation
That’s basically a fancy way of saying compliments. Words of affirmation are positive statements that you say to your partner to make him or her feel special, like:
“Your hair looks so great!”
“That story you told was so funny!”
“You can do this!”
Anything that lets your partner know that you appreciate something about him qualifies under this category.
The reason that words of affirmation are important is because, so often, we only communicate what is bothering us and we forget to acknowledge the good stuff. All relationships have both fun, and not-so-fun parts, so the more that we can recognize and point out the fun side, the better our relationships will be!
If compliments make you feel as good as gold, this is probably your primary love language.
2. Quality Time
This means spending one-on-one time with your significant other truly connecting. When was the last time you turned off all electronics and just sat and talked with your partner? At first, it might feel scary and you might feel like you have nothing to say to each other, but, believe me, you can do this! Oh look, I just gave you some words of affirmation!
Quality time is important for your relationship because it lets you reconnect with your partner, and it gives you a chance to really BE with each other.
If quality time is not your love language, you may struggle to know exactly what to say when your partner is staring into your eyes lovingly. Odds are, you don’t need to say a word because she is happy you are just there spending time with her BUT if you do want a little help, download this free guide:
If you can’t wait for a quiet night alone with your boo, quality time is likely your love language.
3. Receiving Gifts
If you watch TV, you might think this is the only way to show love. In reality, not every kiss begins with Kay! Still, for many, receiving gifts from their partner helps them feel loved and appreciated.
Fortunately for your bank account, these gifts don’t have to cost money. A gift can be any physical thing that one person gives to another. It could be a flower you picked out of the garden for her, a drawing you made, or a pint of her favorite ice cream that you picked up on the way home.
If your partner gives you a gift, you know that: 1) He was thinking of you, 2) He put effort into that thought, and 3) He has great taste! Okay, okay, maybe just the first two but it is the thought that counts.
This way of showing love is important to your relationship because it reminds you that you are on your partner’s mind, even when you are not in the room. Knowing that can be extremely reassuring, especially if you’ve been hurt by others in the past.
If all you want for Christmas is a sparkly ring, a new sweater, a puppy, and some earrings this may be your love language.
4. Acts Of Service
These are usually chores such as cleaning, cooking, going to the grocery store, getting the oil changed, or taking the dog to the groomer. Doing these things for your partner shows that you are responsible, you can be counted on, and that you want to be helpful to him or her.
Plus, once you’ve gotten all of these errands out of the way, you can make time for some of the other love languages like Quality Time and Physical Touch!
If watching your honey do the laundry gets you hot, this is definitely your love language!
5. Physical Touch
Physical touch is any form of touching like holding hands, kissing, sexual intercourse, and hugging. It might be romantic, playful, sexual, or, simply, caring in nature.
Physical touch has been shown to have positive effects on the chemicals in our brains, and our moods. Hugging can literally decrease stress hormones in our bodies!
Touching one another is important because it can make you feel close, warm, and snuggly. Plus, it’s fun!
If even the slightest touch from your partner makes you feel reassured, physical touch is the way to your heart.
Remember, not everyone speaks the same love language and one language is not superior to the others. The key is to find out which is yours, and which is your partner’s, and to learn to be fluent in each other’s love languages. If you are still not sure what your love language is after reading this article, take this quiz on Dr. Chapman’s website. It’s a great idea to have your partner take it too.
Try to do 1 thing per day in your partner’s love language and you’ll be amazed at how your relationship improves. This exercise, called The Caring List is a great way for you and your partner to learn what makes each other feel loved and cared about and start doing it for each other daily.
If you would like to hear more about the Five Languages Of Love, or, other ways to improve your relationship, contact me. I would love to help!